Don't Speak To Me In That Tone.

At a club meeting a few weeks ago, one of our advanced speakers gave the speech from one of the advanced manuals. In this speech he had to deal with various types of different types of people in his audience and keep us or get us back in line. Said member accomplished much of this with his tone of voice. He was calm, kept is voice soft and used a gentle tone. Another member gave him some feedback indicating she felt he should have used a stronger tone to keep everyone in line.
A few weeks ago I posted an entry about a friend who is straddling the line between motivational and pushy. After hearing the above feedback, I realized what I was frustrated with: tone. It's all about the tone of voice we use with people. People might say that presentation is all about message development, but there is still an element of our voices and our bodies that turn people on or off to that message. Tone is, I suspect, a big part of that. I have yet to do any real research on the subject. Think of your parents and how they used tone. The title of this entry is a line my own mother says to me when we argue.
Let's take the example above. A soft, gentle tone was used in the speech. From my experience soft, gentle tones are encouraging, motivational, and inviting. Many people respond well to being spoken with a gentle tone. I feel more respected and valued when people speak to me with that tone of voice. A harsh, firm tone often is interpreted as being yelled at. It may not require a raised voice, but the strength of it makes you take notice. People feel reprimanded when this tone is used. It can be used to make people aware of inappropriate they may be acting. It is, of course, great for children who misbehave.
What has been going on for my friend is that she is use to using a firm tone with people. She use to work with psychiatric patients. She was a nurse. She is use to making people do things that are good for them. She cannot turn it on and off.
A number of you told me to butt out and wait for her to ask for advice. Well, I did and she did. She managed to hurt a developing friendship because of her tone. She was trying to give advice, she used a very firm tone and her advice was ignored and was not asked for again. She may have lost this friend as a result. She was very bothered by this and asked me why it happened. With my recent revelations, I was able to better communicate what I understood.
I explained that most people do not respond well to her firm tone when they come to her for advice. The connotation is often: "do what I tell you" and not: "here is a suggestion". I reminded her of the speech we had heard a few days before where tone became a subject of discussion. She had been the one who felt a firmer tone was needed. She had been the one who suggested the speaker use a firmer tone. She suggested it very firmly as well and seemed a bit taken aback when he said he disagreed.
What has happened since? Not much, but she is aware of her tone now. I know she is listening for it. I can see it when she speaks. She is beginning to notice it.
What are your thoughts about tone? What tone do you use? How has tone impacted messages you have heard?